Initiating sexual intimacy is a scary prospect for many of us.
We’re all sensitive to the possibility of rejection, we can feel worried about looking silly in front of the person we love – and many of us simply don’t know how to ‘make that move’.
Research also shows that when women DO attempt to initiate intimacy, it goes unnoticed by their partner – which can be demoralising when we’re spent all night finding the courage to do it.
Everyone likes to feel desired and wants to be wanted. If our partner is always the initiator, then they miss out on how it feels to be really desired.
As intimidating as initiating might feel, it gives us the opportunity to take control and feel empowered about our sexuality.
Don’t overthink this. So many women tell me they were planning on initiating all day, but then fear got the better of them when their partner got home.
Whichever of these suggestions you try, do it with enthusiasm and a full and open heart.
Even if it’s a little awkward – or you get a bit giggly, your partner will appreciate your effort.
So without further ado, here are 10 ways to initiate sex with your partner:
1. Schedule Bedroom dates
Bedroom dates are a great way to ensure that intimacy happens between you. Scheduling time out for intimacy ensures that you won’t be too tired, distracted or choose to do something else instead.
2. Touch your partner
Say it all with touch. Start somewhere that your comfortable, perhaps with a big hug or just holding their hands, but then allow those hands to go exploring, moving towards the inner thighs…
3. Whisper into their ear what you’d like to do with them
Anything whispered into the ears can feel sensual and erotic, but whispering that you’d like to ‘take your partner to bed and get naked’ or that ‘you like to give him a blow job’ is particularly arousing.
4. Wear something that says it all
Wearing your sexiest lingerie – and letting your partner know about it – is a great way to hint that you’re open to sex. You can undress in front of them, or casually mention that you’re wearing ‘that lace underwear your bought me for Valentines Day last year.’
5. Build anticipation and excitement with sexy texts
Let you partner know in a set message that you can’t wait to see them tonight and tell them some of the other things you’d like to do when you see them. If you’re not yet ready to be too explicit, you can always say something like ‘Perhaps we could go to bed early tonight and cuddle up together?’
6. Just say it
Just directly let you partner know that you in the mood for intimacy or that you’d like to have sex. You can try something like ‘Hey love, I’d be really open to being intimate with you tonight, just so you know.”
7. Invite your partner to join you in the shower – with a suggestive look on your face
Having a shower together is a great way to relax and to prepare for sex. Once you have each other naked in the shower you can also suggest that your partner – or yourself – needs to be thoroughly washed.
8. Ask to swap a massage
Get some massage oil and tell your partner you’d love to give them a massage. Ask them to undress and lie down on the bed (you might like to put a towel down to catch any oil). Once you’ve spent a little time massaging their back, ask them to turn over so you can do the front.
9. Start to undress your partner
Just casually start to unbutton his shirt or undo his belt… he’ll get the picture pretty quickly.
10. Develop you own ‘special signal’
Talk about what your ‘special signal’ to your partner might be to let them know you’re interested.
Here are some suggestions other couples have used:
- Leaving a small token on your partner’s pillow.
- Putting a special blanket out on the bed
- Have special candle to light
- Turning on fairy lights that surround the bed
If it seems like your partner misses your more subtle cues…
Don’t get huffy or give up – you can try saying something like ‘Hey, this is me initiating intimacy with you. Are you turning me down or missing my cues?’
Chances are they’ll JUMP on you!
Learn more in Intimacy + Desire
Talking about s-x and intimacy – even with our partners – can be difficult.
In just a couple of weeks, I’ll be opening my latest Couples Course – Intimacy + Desire sharing more practical tips for helping you talk to your partner about sex, deepen intimacy, discover more playful, loving sex + ignite lasting desire.