Relationships

How to get a man to go to Couples Therapy

Truth: Women are more likely to be unsatisfied in our relationship than men.

We’re also more likely to request or initiate Couples Therapy.

While, to you, it can seem like the most practical thing in the world to get professional tools and advice for more understanding, harmony and happiness in your relationship, your man might not agree.

It’s frustrating and may add tension to an already stressed relationship.

There is unfortunately a stigma attached to men asking for help.

Men can feel shame and embarrassment asking for help with their relationship and sex life.

Your man really wants to please you. When you’re not fully satisfied with your relationship, he feels like he’s failing.

Your partner can feel criticised, like nothing he ever does is good enough and act defensively when you suggest therapy.

Maybe you’ve brought it up with him before and he’s said no….  Or maybe you think you already know how he’ll respond.

This should help you feel more confident when it comes to talking to him about therapy and result in more positive outcome you when you talk with him next.

Deciding to go to Couples Therapy can be a difficult conversation, but remember the benefits available for your relationship with the help of professional support. Without action, things are likely to remain the same or worsen. Therapy can help change and transform your relationship for the better.

If, after following the suggestions below, your partner still isn’t interested in therapy, you can still make a difference to your relationship by seeking help alone. Your partner may be more willing to come to therapy once they’ve seen the changes you are able to make to the relationship as a result.

Am I biased in offering this advice?

Yes, I am. I’ve personally witnessed dozens of relationships saved through therapy and I’ve seen therapy make countless more even better than they were before. I want that for you too and I know the sooner you take action, the faster you get results.

Below are my top tips on how to suggest therapy to your partner, along with answers common concerns and objections. You can also find a list of frequently asked questions about therapy here so you and your partner have all the information you need to move forward.

Tips to talk about Couples Therapy with your partner

Choose an appropriate time to talk

Timing is everything.

Choose your timing for this conversation wisely. While your partner is distracted or busy, during an argument or when one of you is about to go somewhere are not ideal times. Let your partner know you want to talk about something important and ask when would be a good time. 

If your partner doesn’t want to talk right away, allow them time. They may be surprised or concerned by the request. Let them know it’s okay and set a time that would work for you both, preferably within the next 24 hours.

Begin with appreciation and positive feedback

Start by reassuring your partner that they (and your relationship) are very important to you. Let them know that your reason for suggesting therapy is to improve upon what you already treasure in your relationship and give them examples of what you do appreciate. This isn’t about ‘fixing’ or anyone doing anything ‘wrong’. Your partner needs to understand that therapy isn’t going to be used as a forum in which to blame them.

Ask direct questions and address objections in a straight forward way

Let your partner know that you want to make your relationship even better for both of you and that you feel therapy can support you to do that. If there are specific challenges you are both aware of, let them know that you want to find a way through them, together. Be clear that you feel going to Couples Therapy is the best way for you to have the most rewarding relationship possible.

How to address common objections to therapy

It’s likely that you’ll experience objections or concerns from a partner. Below are some of the common concerns men have about Couples Therapy and how you can address them.

“Therapy is just about digging up problems – what if it actually makes things worse?”

I understand how you could have that idea. That certainly isn’t what I want either.

Isiah has a reputation for providing practical tools and solutions, rather than talking endlessly about what we are not happy with. Her focus is on moving us forward together.

Therapy will give us the tools to resolve some of the recurring arguments we have and help us build an even stronger relationship.

Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?

“I don’t see how talking about things is going to fix it.”

You’re great at fixing things. Your focus on finding solutions is one of the things I love about you.

Isiah has a reputation for providing practical tools and solutions, rather than just talking endlessly about emotions. She is also practical when it comes to sex, so she can give me advice for helping me feel more in the mood and we may learn some things that make it even better for both of us.

By going to therapy, we’ll have peace of mind that we have the best tools available to draw on now and the in future.

This means a lot to me. Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?

“We can fix this ourselves.”

You know, I really understand how you could feel that way. We’re both intelligent, successful people and I think ultimately if we invested enough time and did our own research we could find the solutions ourselves. The truth is, we haven’t done that yet and I would love to make this process faster and more efficient by engaging professional support.

We seek advice for our finances because we want to be in the best position possible. I see Couples Therapy the same way.

We’ll have certainty that we’re getting the best tools and professional advice available. Isiah is one of the most highly qualified professionals in this field in Australia, she holds a Masters in Relational Therapy and a Masters in Sexual Counselling. Why not learn from the most qualified in this area so we can put ourselves in the best position possible?

This means a lot to me. Can we start with one session with Isiah to see if it helps, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?

“I don’t think there’s anything wrong / Things aren’t really that bad / Why fix what’s not broken?”

Our relationship means everything to me. I feel so lucky to be with you. I agree that we have a pretty good relationship, but lately I’ve noticed some issues arising between us and I’d really like to resolve them before they become big issues. I’d like to be proactive about this.

We seek advice for our finances because we want to be in the best position possible. I see Couples Therapy the same way. In going to therapy, we’ll have certainty that we have the best tools available to draw on now and the in future so that this relationship is the best it can be.

This is important to me and I think us having an even stronger relationship would benefit our whole family. Can we start with one session with Isiah, and if you don’t like it, you get to choose what we do the next weekend?

“How much will this cost anyway? We can’t afford extra costs right now.”

I understand that’s a concern for you and I love how much you want to make decisions that are best for us financially.

Going to therapy is an investment in a healthy sex life, an investment in peace of mind and an investment in relaxing and enjoying each other’s company instead of arguing. It could save our relationship, and to me that’s priceless.

The cost of this is comparable to going out to dinner once a week or taking a mini vacation. Perhaps we can compromise on leisure activities until we know we will really enjoy each other while doing them?

Ultimately this may save us money if we act early. We’ll get tools that we can use for the rest of our lives together. The benefits and skills we’ll gain will be invaluable to our relationship and our family.

This means a lot to me. Can we look at where we can make changes to our budget so that we can do this together?

“I don’t have the time right now.”

I appreciate how busy you and how much you do to provide for and take care of this family. I’ve also worried that we don’t have enough time together as it is.

Many of Isiah’s past clients have mentioned how therapy helped the time they were spending together be even more enjoyable. And we’ll get tools to make the time we do have together really count. Our relationship deserves to be a priority in our lives.

Therapy is just 90 minutes every two weeks. And as Isiah offers sessions by Skype, we can do them from home in the evenings without needing to drive, take time off work or find a sitter.

I believe we can be great again. Are you willing to do this with me?

“Who is this therapist you want to see? How do you know she’s any good?”

I’m glad you asked. I think it’s really important that we both feel comfortable with the person we choose to see.

Isiah is one of the leading professionals in the Sex and Relationship field in Australia. She trained in the US and also holds two Masters degrees – one in Relationship Therapy and one in Sex Therapy, which makes her one of the most qualified in her profession.

Her approach is scientifically based and very practical.

I can show you her website if you like and you can read the positive reviews that other couples have given her?

Isiah offers a no obligation initial consultation so we can both make sure we’re comfortable working with her. This is important to me. Would you be willing to start with one session?

“The therapist will take sides.”

You know, I was initially worried about that too. I don’t want therapy to be a forum where we play the blame game.

Isiah makes it clear that her job isn’t to take sides. Her job is to be objective. Therapy will give us practical tools that can help build a stronger relationship and a deeper connection. If at any time during therapy you ever feel like you’re not getting a fair go, I would love for you to tell me that.

This means a lot to me. Can we have one session with Isiah to see if it helps?

“This is your problem, not mine.”

I agree that my libido isn’t what it once was. I know it’s unfair on you and that you’re feeling frustrated, disappointed and probably rejected right now. I really want to fix this.

I’m really willing to do whatever it takes, so that we can have sex more and make our relationship enjoyable again. I would love your help and support in doing that.

If I need to see her on my own, I will, but I think it would be even more beneficial if you would come along with me and help me with this.

Would you at least come to the first session with me?

“What if this doesn’t work?”

Let’s try and stay positive. I’m afraid that it might not solve all our problems too but I think we should at least try. I understand that this is an investment of time and money without a guaranteed outcome. What we can be certain of is that we’ll get proven, practical tools and advice that we can use for the rest of our lives. We’ll have peace of mind knowing that we’ve done everything possible to make this work.

I think this is worth trying. I believe our relationship is worth the risk and the effort. Will you come with me?

Click here to download my free guide for talking to your partner about therapy here and get bonus resources and tips. 

By Isiah McKimmie


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