I was talking to my client, let’s call her Valerie. She had reached out to me saying she wasn’t really into the guy she was dating, but that she was afraid to break it off because he was so kind and nice. He treated her so well and there was a bit of a spark, but it just wasn’t enough.
We talked through what was missing for her, and I could tell that she really wasn’t into him and it wasn’t coming from a place of protection.
I said, “If you aren’t into it, honor that knowing and let him go.”
The day she broke things off with him, we spoke. Through tears she said to me, “I just don’t believe that I will ever find love. I don’t believe it. I believe I will remain single.”
She needed to feel what she was feeling, so I said, “How about you just tell me how you’re feeling without attaching a meaning (“I don’t believe I will find love”) to it or even words.”
She said, “I just don’t think I will ever find that relationship that I want, and I don’t even want to believe that I will because it hurts so much every time it doesn’t work out. I just don’t want to be this disappointed anymore.”
Notice she didn’t actually tell me the feelings, which is so normal because we get stuck in our heads trying to figure it out and control what we are feeling.
“I totally hear you,” I said. “And it sounds like you are feeling scared and sad. Is that true?”
She said, YES!
I said, “So just let yourself be scared and sad. The mind is going to want to swoop in and save you by landing on an outcome like ‘I won’t ever have what I want’ so it can stop you from feeling any pain or hurt.”
The mind is going to want to control the situation.
It will tell you how to spare yourself disappointment and pain by having you identify with thoughts like just give up, stop trying, let go, or isolate.
Even though you still have a desire and a dream.
It’s not about letting go of the desire or dream, it’s about letting go of the attachment to that desire happening exactly the way you think it should happen and in the timeframe it should happen.
In fact the beauty is it could happen in any moment, trusting life is with you, and anything is possible at any moment.
The mind/ego will try to control and limit what’s possible. The point here isn’t to make the mind the enemy, but to become aware of our triggers and tendencies that take over, instead of coming back to who you really are which is someone with unlimited potential and possibility.
The point is how to come back to an open heart.
When you catch the thought, “I don’t believe I will ever have what I want” simply shift from that space to saying to yourself, “I must feel sad and scared. I just feel sad and scared.”
Come back to the emotion and let it have some breathing room. When we try to shut down the emotion and make it wrong, our ego goes into overdrive.
I asked Valerie, “Do you really know if you will or will not have love?”
She said, “No I don’t know.”
I said, “Does anyone know if you will or will not have love?”
She said, “No.”
“Good. Can you let that be the ultimate truth that you don’t know?” I said.
She said, “Yes, when I do indulge that truth I can feel my entire body relax.”
I said, “That is what staying open hearted feels and looks like.”
Truth is we are all trying to control love, no matter what your relationship status.
And it’s just protecting us from the very thing we desire the most, connection.
Share with me in the comments below how you’re probably trying to control love and how you can shift out of that illusion of control.