I’ve recently started dating again. It’s been really interesting…
A few weeks ago, I met someone that I felt I could really have a connection with. For a couple of weeks, it was beautiful.
But then something happened.
I began noticing things that were ‘wrong’ with him and telling myself that it probably wouldn’t work. I was delaying returning his messages and found myself ‘busy’, so I had limited opportunities to see him.
Like all relationships, I see dating as an opportunity to learn more about myself.
So, I took a closer look at what was going on.
I knew I had to look further than my thoughts. I turned to the wisdom of my body and heart.
I felt into the tightness I was feeling in my chest.
I felt below the story, below the frustration, below making him seem all wrong.
I realised what I was instinctively feeling was fear.
Fear that I would be hurt again. Fear that I would show too much interest and be ‘rejected’. Fear that once he actually knew me, he might not be interested.
All of these things, I’ve experienced before. They happen to all of us. And they hurt.
Sometimes, unconsciously, we take these as a sign that we should close our hearts, so it doesn’t happen again.
We put up walls to protect ourselves.
We do this when entering new relationships, but we do it in established relationships too.
It’s like we pull away, find reasons as to why the other person is wrong, avoid sex, get so busy we don’t have time for our partner.
Our walls can masquerade in a range of emotions including anger, blame, fear or just numbness.
We think it’s for protection, but really, it’s just anxiety. We allow this doubt to drive us and leads to our hearts being closed.
Do you know the doubt I’m talking about?
I hear a lot of women talking about ‘putting up walls’ in coaching.
But, the beautiful thing about recognising that we do this, is the power we gain.
We can CHOOSE to tear down our walls, open our hearts and let love in.
The truth is, whatever happens with my new relationship, this is how I want to live.
When we take down our walls and live with an open heart, everything flows more easily. We feel brighter and lighter. We feel more loved and more loving.
So, here’s how to do it gorgeous:
1. Recognise you have the power over your walls
You built these walls beauty, and you can take them down. Intimacy is vulnerable, it’s normal to feel like putting walls up. It’s what we do from there that counts. Turn the blame away from your partner to take FULL responsibility for yourself and your reactions.
2. Breathe deeply into your body
Tightness in the body is our way of holding onto fear, but when we do this, fear can’t move through us. Focus on your body and breath. This naturally brings attention away from thoughts and connects us to the deeper wisdom of our heart and body.
3. Accept all the layers of your emotions
Our emotions sit in layers.
Often, it’s the easier to feel emotions like blame and anger that sit on top, to protect us from the more challenging emotions below. Be willing to feel each layer, to find out what is at the core for you. Usually, it’s emotions like fear. In feeling them, we allow them to move through us – and they lose their power over us.
Opening to our emotions also means we open our heart.
4. Commit to moving from love
When we’re trying not to feel emotions, we allow our body to be tight, we close our heart and we allow fear to drive us. When we’re in this place, we’re not allowing love to flow through us. We tend to react, instead of being moved by love. Once we’ve felt all the emotions running through us, they lose their power.