Maintain a satisfying, loving, thriving sex life involves emotional and relationship factors like spending time together, trust, openness, generosity and intimacy.
But this isn’t all we need.
It’s also vital that we understand how our bodies work, discover the mechanics of pleasure and know the differences between masculine and feminine sexual energy.
Simple, vital information can help us feel more confident in the bedroom, have incredible orgasms and maintain passion with a partner.
We’re all disadvantaged by the sexual roles society lays out for us.
Men are expected to know it all. Somehow, they’re supposed to be an expert on every woman’s body.
Women aren’t taught about the complexity of our bodies and sexual drive, we’re not taught that it’s okay to ask for what we want, and we’re often shamed for seeming to enjoy ourselves ‘too much’.
On some level this is all quite obvious, but a little sex education can make such a huge difference to our enjoyment of sex, intimacy and connection.
Here are 5 things I wish men knew about women and sex:
1. Women need time to warm up – at least 15 minutes actually
Men, sexually, are like matches – quick to light, and very exciting. Women are more like log fires – we take some attention to get going, but once we’ve built some momentum, and the fire is roaring, we can be very powerful.
Complex changes take place in our bodies as we prepare for sex. These changes take time.
About 15 minutes actually.
This means we need foreplay to last for at least 15 minutes so we’re fully physically prepared to be penetrated.
Having time to warm up increases our enjoyment, increases our chances of reaching orgasm and decreases the possibility we’ll feel pain.
Starting slowly and taking your time enhances pleasure for both of us.
2. The Outside-In Rule
Touch women from the outside in. Feminine sexual energy flows differently to masculine sexual energy.
There are parts of us (like the clitoris and nipples) you know will give us pleasure. And yes, we love it when you touch us there. But we’re sensitive too. And we need time to open to you.
Touching the rest of our body first will help us feel more during sex, help us become present and start our energy flowing. It will help us feel safe, feel cherished, feel loved and connected to you.
Turn our body on slowly, moving slowly toward our most sensitive parts.
3. We don’t need you to be harder, faster or bigger
Harder and faster is not always better. We’re far more subtle than pornography would have you believe.
The most sensitive part of us is in the first 1-2 inches of our vagina. The clitoris is external and the G-spot is all about the right angle. Bigger doesn’t cross our minds.
You are enough for us as you are. We’re not interested in your ‘performance’, we’re interested in connecting with you.
Focus on the subtle, sensual pleasure available in each moment. Stillness can be radically intimate and profoundly pleasurable.
4. We want you to penetrate us with your energy and your love
We want to feel you. We want to feel your presence and your love.
It’s not just your physical energy we want, it’s your depth, your ability to open our hearts and take us deeper.
We want to feel you right there with us, every single moment. We want to see you and be seen.
Your presence tells us we can trust you. Your presence opens our hearts. With an open heart, we gratefully open our body to you.
5. We don’t always understand your need for sex – be patient with us
Our energy flows differently to yours. Our energy flow is upwards from the earth and out through our heart. Your masculine energy flows downwards and out through the sex centers.
We can often be quite content sitting in our love for you without the drive to transfer that to sexual intimacy.
Sometimes we will misunderstand what your desire for sex means and where it comes from.
Be patient with us. Explain to us why you want to be close to us, that physical intimacy is an expression of love for you and remind us of the ecstasy that comes when our energies flow in harmony.