One of the most powerful tools any man has to win over a woman is his ability to communicate.
But communication is commonly a man’s biggest point of confusion.
The reality is that there will never be a one-size-fits-all communication tactic because everyone is different.One woman might love to hear something suggestive at the bar, and another might find it to be a huge turn-off.
You’ve got to learn some communication basics and pay attention to her signs.
Luckily, communication, though it can be complicated, is not rocket science. Follow these eight tips, and you will stop blundering and improve your communication skills.
1) Don’t come on too strong
When a man really wants to get a woman’s attention, he sometimes makes the mistake of turning up the volume and getting close.
To women, that’s a red flag, not something that makes them want to get closer.
Play it cool, modulate your volume, so you don’t scare anyone off, and maintain some breathing room.
2) Use body language
Body languageis almost always more important than words. The way you hold your body tells a woman about you.
For example, if you sag your shoulders and constrict yourself, you are going to seem rigid and withdrawn. If, on the other hand, you open your chest and take up space, you naturally take up, you will appear comfortable and confident.
Claiming your space without encroaching on anyone else’s is very attractive and will get you noticed. Pay attention to her body language. There are signs she’s not interested.
If she closes up her shoulders and avoids eye contact, she does not want you to approach her. If she periodically looks at you with interest, then that’s a good sign she’s interested.
3) Vary your facial expressions
Guys have some serious superpowers when it comes to facial expression, and women are always watching your face.They look to see the subtlest shifts, whether you realize you’re making them or not.
You can communicate attraction by keeping your face relaxed and using your lips, eyes, and eyebrows to share how you are feeling, butpretty much never use your tongue. Do not stick your tongue out or lick your lips.
If she reciprocates and you are feeling bold, a wink can have her extremely impressed and interested.
The key is subtlety. If she looks bored, annoyed, or tired, back off.
4) Let her take the lead
I can’t tell you how many times I have watched a guy corner a woman at a bar.
You can tell she’s not interested, but he keeps pushing the conversation. He doesn’t give her any outs, and she is afraid to be rude, so she tolerates it. He mistakes this tolerance as interest. *Facepalm.*
It can be tough to dismiss a conversation you don’t want to be in. To make sure this doesn’t happen to you, allow at least half the conversation or interaction to be dictated by her, which means you need to pause and otherwise allow space. She will either further the conversation or look away from you and sip on her drink.
Now, even if you get the ol’ turn-away, it doesn’t mean she is completely 100% not interested in you, but you need to back off. If she’s interested, she will approach you again later.
5) Ask about her perspective
The number one thing men fail to do when it comes to communication is to ask a woman HER OPINION. Even the most “progressive” men fall into the trap of mansplaining.
The thing is, women tend to be much more receptive than men, so they will listen to what they say and actually consider it. This sometimes gives men the impression of knowing more than women or being more interesting than they actually are. While you might beexcited to share your opinions and all the stuff you know, you will not get to know her better by doing this.
Show that you respect her and value her perspective by taking an interest in how she sees things. And don’t just jump in with your opinion after she shares. Learn to follow up on what she has said.
If you asked what she thinks about nutrition in schools, and she said she thinks it needs some work, then ask, “what would you do if you had the opportunity to change how things work in schools?” This way, you stimulate her mind, expand the conversation, and form a meaningful connection between the two of you.
Then, instead of asking a string of questions, after the follow-up, share your reaction or idea or other genuine response. You will majorly stand out if you do this. She will be so much more interested in the questions you have for her than any information you could be telling her.
You could be a rocket scientist or the inventor of electricity, and she will still be more interested if you have questions for her. And, inevitably, she will reciprocate.
6) Be genuine
Do not be fake; do not be fake; do not be fake.
Do not say something because you think you should. Say what is appropriate and on your mind.
If you do not communicate genuinely, you will form a false connection that misleads both of you. If you are not interested in what a woman is talking about, don’t pretend to be.
Do challenge yourself to understand what is interesting about what she is saying, but don’t persist in something you don’t want to be talking about.Try tactfully acknowledging what she has said and see if you can shift the subject.
I’ve seen a lot of guys pretend to be interested in what a woman is saying just because he wants to take her home. She’s likely going to figure out what’s going on and might find this hurtful.
7) Keep it coming
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve watched a relationship start to fall apart because communication dies down. You can work wonders for your relationship by repeating affirmations to your partner.
Tell her what you love about her on a regular basis–and that you love her. It might seem so obvious that you love her, but you need to say it. Check-in, again and again, to share how you feel.Otherwise, big resentments build-up and nobody really understands why.
Often couples find that they have less to talk about the longer they are together. This is normal, but you should try not to let it happen.
There are ways you can spark new discussions. Watching a movie or documentary, going to an art exhibit or concert, and even hiking or walking for long distances are all great ways to unearth some good conversation.
8) Reflect before you speak
Too often, men say something about how they feel before reflecting on it. They end up saying something in the heat of the moment that they don’t even mean.
For example, a man might say he is angry because his partner is spending so much time at work. But if he investigates his feelings, he might find that underneath his anger, he is not angry that she is at work; instead, he is sad that he is feeling more distant from his partner.
Anger is difficult for a partner to respond to, whereas sadness can promote compassion and reconnection. Try exploring your feelings and motivations before approaching sensitive and vulnerable subjects. You do not want to hurt your relationship inadvertently.
Even ten minutes of thinking or writing about how you feel can make a huge difference in the way a conversation plays out. Give your feelings a bit of time and consideration.
Whatever you do, it is important to always pay attention to the person you are interacting with.
Be prepared to modify your communication approach to best match the person you are interested in.
Whether communicating with a prospective date, a long-term partner, or your boss, demonstrate respect by listening, allowing space, and putting effort into your own expressions.
Everybody makes communication mistakes, so also be prepared to apologize. Misunderstandings that are nobody’s fault happen all the time but be sure not to place blame. Instead, acknowledge the confusion and seek clarity.
You can really go a long way using these eight tips. Review them often!