Choosing a good partner can feel like a little bit of taking a lottery ticket and hoping that you’re going to win.
But the truth is it’s not actually meant to be that hard.
There are so many awesome people out there in the world. It’s just a matter of knowing how to identify them. So you know who to become attached to and invest into.
And in this video, I want to basically simplify dating for you.
I want to give you some really clear steps and actions on how to be able to choose a good partner so that you can actually have a fulfilling and lasting relationship.
This video in particular is more for my single folks out there who, you want to start a new relationship, you want to get back out there, but you’re kind of scared on who to date, especially if you have a track record of relationships not working out or always dating the wrong sort of people.
So I want to scale it back almost to the fundamental things that you should do in the beginning to set you up to identify and choose a partner who’s going to be good for you.
Number one : Learn The Fundamentals
Because what we can do is we can go out there thinking, oh, I want this type of man, or I want this type of woman. And we fall in love with them or we become attached to them. And then later on, realize, oh hang on a second. They don’t have some of the fundamental qualities in order to be able to give me a healthy relationship. So let’s just do a little bit of a refresh of what the fundamentals are.
Things like trust which obviously takes time to build and needs to be earned.
Things like honor and respect, things like the ability to be able to communicate or want to communicate and grow in communication.
Now, great communication is something that is built over time. You’re not necessarily going to find that straight away. However, it’s important to be able to date someone that wants to be able to communicate.
And at least has the desire to want to learn how to communicate better.
Other fundamentals are things like their ability to grow. Change is going to be inevitable. You can have the most amazing relationship in the world, but you’re both still going to have change, whether that’s in your control or out of your control and you have to be able to grow through that change.
Other fundamentals are things like their willingness to commit, love in action, not just love in feeling, and lastly attraction and friendship.
You want to actually be attracted to the person that you’re dating, not necessarily lustful or infatuation, but you want to be attracted to them, to their heart, their mind, their body and their soul. And you also want to have some basis of friendship there.
Number two – Prioritise needs over wants
So let’s break this down a little bit:
Needs are necessity i.e. : I need them to have the same morals and beliefs as me.
Wants would be maybe I want them to be able to have the same sort of upbringing that I had.
Now needs become necessity because you know that it produces unity and you know that actually helps with compatibility and contributes to what ultimately fulfils you as an individual and what helps make that relationship functional.
Wants are almost added bonuses, wants are things that you would like it, if it went that way, but if you don’t get it, isn’t going to compromise the quality of the relationship.
Number Three: see dating as an assessment process, not just a status.
What do you need to do here is you need to understand that if you want to be able to fall for someone and have them add value to your life and have an amazing relationship or amazing marriage, you’re not going to know that in the first couple of weeks, let alone, the first couple of months.
You were getting to know that person and you have to focus on character before commitment. And the way that we do that is we look at what they’re consistent in.
- How do they treat you?
- What are their patterns?
- How do they react to certain situations?
- Who are they consistently?
Because that will reveal who they’re going to be, obviously as a person in a relationship as well. So this is going to take time.
So don’t rush into a relationship with someone that you don’t know much about and then have a certain expectation attached to it because you’re basically attaching a expectation over the little that you know.
Take your time.
Number Four: look at facts and not always just feelings.
When we first start dating someone and we have all that crazy chemistry going off in our brain and in other parts of our bodies, what we can do is we can get completely infatuated with that person.
And we can convince our brains and our hearts that this is the person for us.
We overlook red flags, we justify toxic behavior or we jump in too quickly with someone that we don’t actually know much about and then we get lovely surprises later on down the track.
So we have to look at everything with almost like a step back, and that’s going to be hard to do if you do actually have amazing chemistry with someone.
What I suggest in this instance, if you know that this is something that you kind of get tripped up on, where you do get infatuated and then heartbroken, is try and limit the amount of intimacy in the beginning and try and hold back on that, right from the first kiss. Don’t kiss each other for two or three weeks. Definitely don’t sleep with each other until you really get to know who they are as a person.
Try and put those safeguards and those barriers in between so that you can have that time and space to work out, am I just crazy about this person because how they make me feel?
Or am I actually genuinely becoming attached to someone? And when I do it’s because that they’re able to offer me the things that I need in order to be able to have a healthy relationship.
Number Five:Look at patterns, not potentials and not promises.
Right, if you really want to get to know what somebody is like, look at what they consistently do as I said before. So when you’re dating someone, they might promise you the world, oh, we’ll do this and that and it’s all very lovely and we get swept off our feet, but what are they doing in reality?
You have to look at what you actually see happening, not what they promise you to happen or not what you want to happen down the track.
This is where a lot of women set themselves up for that unmet expectation is you keep hoping and hoping and hoping because he says all these things and then he never actually follows through
And then you hold onto him and allow him to have boyfriend benefits without giving you any of that boyfriend commitment that you want.
So if you want to set yourself up to actually be with a good partner, look at what they’re doing, not just what they’re saying.
Number Six: Ask yourself three questions.
1:How do I feel when I’m with them?
Do I feel excited? Do I feel anxious? Do I feel like I’m walking on eggshells? Do I feel scared or do I feel safe? Do I feel beautiful? Okay. Ask yourself how it is that you feel.
It’s obviously important. Feelings are an indication of what is happening and it is also a signal that your brain and heart is sending you. So let’s not deny feelings, even if we also need to look at facts.
2: Do they add value to my life, to make me a better person? And how do I add value to their life to make them a better person?
Obviously there needs to be equal give and take here. You don’t want to be connecting with someone purely because you’re only adding value to their life. And they’re not adding value back to you.
There has to be equal amounts of give and take here. You have to basically know that whoever you are attaching yourself to and whoever you’re building something with, it’s because your life is enhanced by their presence, not taken aback or not stagnating.
3: How do they handle conflict?
And this is really important because let’s face it, love isn’t easy and you will have ups and downs, even in the initial stages of dating. How do they handle it when they don’t get their own way?
How do they handle stress? How do they handle just conflict in general, whether it’s conflict between you both or whether it’s conflict with what’s happening at his work or his family?
How people handle conflict and problems will give you an indication to their ability and their quality of the relationship that they can actually give you.
Number Seven : Identify why you self-sabotage.
If you’re finding that you do end up having these great guys in your life, but then you’re trying to find fault with them, or you’re trying to push them away because you’re fearful, anxious or scared, work out why that is happening and then get help. Like literally I got help.
Number Eight: Become a good partner yourself.
Pretty obvious. If you want to attract something, then why not embody that yourself in order to be able to receive it back? It’s one thing to be able to go, okay, I know what I want. I want A, B and C. I want this amazing king of a husband, but if you aren’t a queen of a wife, then why would he want to keep investing into you?
If you want to be able to receive an amazing partner, you need to ask yourself, am I an amazing partner? What are my attributes? What is it that I bring? How do I enhance a relationship?
For some of you, the reason why you haven’t been able to keep a good man or attract a good man is because you still need to do that work within yourself, to be able to bring the best part of you forward in order to be able to attract the best man back for you.
And lastly, number nine, have grace with boundaries.
Now, what I find is that if you’ve been hurt or you’re just scared to love, is our expectations can be so high that we push away really good men out there.
And that’s not really going to get you further in love. So you have to understand that whilst it’s not about putting up with crappy behavior, you’re still dating an imperfect human and you yourself are imperfect. So there’s always going to be two things that are needed in a relationship.
One is grace and the other is space. However, with grace, there needs to be boundaries. Having grace towards someone doesn’t necessarily mean that you are excusing their behavior.
What it means is that you are seeing it and then you’re understanding it. But you’re also giving a consequence and a boundary for it so that you can grow. You grow through grace.
No one is perfect. We’re all trying to work this out as we go. As long as they are growing through what it is that you are going through, then you have the ability to be able to make the relationship last and you’ve found yourself a good partner.