What is it that actually makes them want to be present in a relationship?
For those of you that have been following me for a while or even a short time, you will know that I used to coach over at the Attractive Man channel where we reached almost 700,000 men.
I myself personally coach men as well.
However, for the purpose of this video, I wanted to give you ladies an insight directly to what it is that men wish that women would do more of.
And instead of me just pulling out random bits of advice from my dating and relationship coaching and experience, I actually surveyed over a hundred men so I could find where the similarities were with what it is that men really want.
And I think that some of these answers are really going to surprise you.
I’m Renee Slansky, I’m a professional dating and relationship coach and I help women from around the world find and build the relationship they desire and deserve.
Now, when it comes to building a relationship you desire and deserve, I believe that a big part of that is understanding how men work, because there are two people that are involved in a relationship.
It’s not just about knowing your worth and knowing what it is that you want and knowing how to set standards and boundaries.
That is important, but it’s also important to understand what the other half wants, how men think, what is it that they desire?
What switches on their masculine mode?
Here is the answer!
10 Things Men Secretly want women to do;
1. Men wish that women would contribute a little bit more.
Now, let’s dissect that a little bit when I talk about contributing, I’m not necessarily talking about you going out there and getting several jobs or trying to out-earn him.
I do believe that men appreciate a woman that is able to show she’s willing to make effort to be able to support him in whatever way that she can, especially if they are a couple or they have a family or they’re building a life together.
Unfortunately, I met a lot of women who only want to get with a man because she doesn’t want to have to work another day in her life and she wants to sit back and basically let him do all the hard work.
And that is really unfair and I think that it devalues a man and I think that it doesn’t lead to a happy relationship.
Now, I’m not necessarily saying that women who do a lot at home have to then go out and get a job.
What I’m saying is that men desire effort.
They want to know that you’re at least trying to put in some effort here, you’re trying to support them, you’re not just sitting back and feeling that you are entitled to everything just because you are a woman.
2. They would actually like you to initiate more when it comes to dating and texting.
Now on top of that, they would actually prefer you to talk to them rather than text them, as in pick up the phone and call them.
And I know that this is probably frustrating because you ladies out there are wishing that they would do the same, but we can’t have this stalemate situation.
So, why not actually make that one of your goals this week to initiate the next step, whether it is the first phone call, whether it is the next date, don’t just leave it up to the guy.
The thing is, guys nowadays are feeling like they can’t do anything right, and it’s really sad and really frustrating as a coach.
And largely that is because there is so much influence from the media and feminism and laws that have become really unjust towards men and what they’ve done is they’ve almost like empowered women and they’ve devalued men at the same time.
Now I’m not saying that everything is like that, but I have actually seen a shift over the years and if you look at it historically, you can see that as women have raced into power over the last, let’s say 10 years, there has definitely been a little bit of emasculation of men, and it’s not right.
This isn’t about the battle of the sexes here, this is about knowing how to value a man while still valuing yourself as a woman. You don’t have to lose your value by valuing a man, and a man doesn’t have to lose his value by valuing a woman.
If we’re able to find that equal ground there where we are both making effort, we’re not just sitting back and waiting for the other person to do something all the time, so we initiate that text or we initiate that date. It means that you are sending a signal directly to that man that you are interested, that you do want to take things further instead of him feeling that he has to walk on eggshells or that he has to pull back because he’s not really sure what it is that you want.
3. Honor your man.
This one is really important. One of the key things in order to be able to build a healthy relationship where you feel fulfilled because your man also feels fulfilled is there is a sense of honoring there.
And I’ve talked about this in one of my blogs before, honoring is basically placing value on someone and recognizing that value and actively doing something about it.
Now, honoring and respecting your man or the guy that you’re dating or wanting to date, isn’t about ego. It’s not about pushing yourself down in order to lift him up, it’s not about putting him on a pedestal and it’s not about pandering to him in such a way that it just comes across as you being really doormat-like.
Honoring him is simply choosing to affirm what he is doing, recognizing his efforts, and recognizing him for who he is even if he isn’t exactly what you want him to be, or even if he isn’t exactly where you think he could be.
Now, another thing that these men actually said to me when I was interviewing them was that
“Renee, we want to feel honored and respected, especially in conversation.”
The thing is girls, is what we tend to do is sometimes when we’re in a conversation with a man, they will start to be vulnerable with us and they will start to tell us, well, this is how I’m feeling, or this is what I’m struggling with, and we then take that and we turn it against them.
Obviously this doesn’t really encourage respect and it definitely doesn’t communicate that you honor and respect them.
This is about understanding that he is a man, he is a human, and no one’s perfect, just like we aren’t perfect. And just because we are feminine, doesn’t necessarily mean that we’re entitled to more respect than him.
4. Stop competing with other women out there and just be you.
Men have actually said to me that they’re really missing women being authentic.
And it’s almost like because we get so caught up in social media with all those sexualized sorts of images and plastic surgery and fashion and makeup and everything like that, that they’re feeling that it’s like it’s eating away at the woman that they care about.
I know that this is something that I used to struggle with. I used to constantly compare myself to other women out there on social media and pull myself to pieces, thinking that I had to be like them in order to be better or lovable or more worthy.
And the truth is, is it actually made my partner feel that it was taking away from our relationship because I wasn’t being true to myself.
And I think nowadays in a world where there are carbon copies of everyone out there, men are really craving a real woman, a woman who is unapologetically herself, a woman who isn’t afraid to be who she is and look the way that she is, regardless of her size, her color, her hair type, skin type, or whatever.
Men appreciate a woman who is just authentic.
And we’ve all heard the saying that;
one of the biggest things that men are attracted to in a woman is confidence
I believe that real confidence comes from this permission to be yourself and step into that ownership of being yourself and being true to yourself and being authentic.
It’s like, you don’t have to fake anything because you are who you are.
So, therefore, you know yourself best and you can do yourself most confident that way. Men appreciate that and men have been emailing me and filling out this survey saying they wish that women would be more authentic.
5. Stop Demanding ; Talk to Ask To Learn.
Ladies, this alone can literally revolutionize your relationship and your dating life. Stop having conversations to demand what it is that you want and need, or that needs to be done and start asking instead.
Asking is about learning and understanding. Demanding is almost like punishing, taking hostage, and manipulating. You can’t go and just start accusing and demanding something of someone when you don’t know the full situation yet.
And what happens is, is that women are going into battle through words or texts with these men and saying, “Well, you should do this,” and blah, blah, blah. “Why don’t you pay for this? And why don’t you do this?”
And they’re demanding what they feel entitled to rather than stopping and asking and coming across as someone that actually wants to be a team player and wants to make things better.
Asking means that you remove assumption as well because it’s too easy to build things up in our mind and then just react.
If we take that time to ask, to understand, and to listen, rather than just demand and accuse, literally you will get a massive shift, a positive shift in your relationship.
6. Girls, confirm and affirm that you desire him.
What I found really interesting when I did this survey is that several men actually said, “We’d really like to know that she likes us, that she actually does desire us.”
Now, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to initiate sex every single time, but don’t be afraid to affirm what you do feel for him.
Men hate the guessing game. They’re so sick of trying to guess what it is that we want and need and we don’t affirm what he is doing right.
So, make it easier for him and in return, make it more fulfilling for you by simply confirming, “Yes, this is what I do like.” Or affirming, “Thank you for doing this.” Or affirming, “Yes, I do feel this for you.” Or, “I do like you.”
Don’t be afraid. I know it means that you have to put your heart on the line a little bit more and be vulnerable, but if you want to encourage growth in a relationship, there has to come to a point where you have to step into that vulnerability zone to be able to encourage that transparency and trust that you want to build in order to make your relationship stronger.
7. Men would like women to be a little bit more feminine.
Now, this is probably something that’s going to be confusing for some of you girls, because you might think, “Well, I’m not overly girly, so how do I be more feminine?” Or maybe you think, “Well, I am being really feminine, why is that not enough?”
What we have to understand is that when it comes to building successful relationships, we can’t just do necessarily what we feel is right for us if we want to get a certain response from them. It has to be a combination of both.
So, if you’re not sure what your man, or the men that you want to date, are finding really feminine, then ask them. Like the other point, I said ask, don’t demand, right.
Ask them, “What makes you most attracted to me?” Or, “How do you feel when I wear dresses, or do you prefer me to wear shorts and a top?”
I mean, obviously I use it for research as well, but the point is, is that men crave women to be in their feminine energy.
Now, feminine energy is basically mainly centered around nurturing, to be honest.
Don’t forget that the man’s first female love is actually his mother growing up, and mothers are most of the time, very nurturing. So men crave and are drawn to the nurturing nature within women, which is portrayed in their mind or perceived rather, as feminine energy.
So when we say let’s be more feminine, it’s not necessarily you have to grow your hair long and wear makeup. If that’s not you that’s okay, he obviously likes you for you.
But understand that feminine energy means that you are A, becoming across more nurturing. B, allowing him to lead and step into his masculine and hero zone. And C, you’re most likely allowing your emotions to be able to be present at the right time instead of putting up walls or just applying logic all the time because that’s a little bit more of masculine energy.
Now, stepping into your feminine energy doesn’t necessarily mean that you can’t be a strong woman or that you can’t go out and be independent.
On the contrary, men love strong women and men love women to be independent.
However, there needs to be a balance so that his masculine energy can also flourish while you are in your feminine energy.
8. Men really want you to tell the truth.
This one is interesting, I guess it’s kind of a given when we tell the truth anyway. However, apparently from the surveys that I did, it came up a lot that men felt that women weren’t being, again, true to the men that they were with, or true to themselves.
And I feel like that almost ties in with the other point I was talking about with being authentic.
The thing is, is I think we women can hold back from telling the truth because we’re scared of their reaction. We’re scared to get hurt and again, we’re scared to be vulnerable.
However, men are pretty black and white. Men appreciate the truth. And it’s like when guys seem to be a little bit insensitive at times, or we take it as insensitive when in reality they’re just dishing us what the truth is.
Well, that’s the way that men think and it’s also the way that they actually appreciate certain things back as well.
So if you aren’t happy with something, instead of pretending that you are or working your way around it, have an open conversation saying, “Look, this hurts me.” Or, “I wasn’t happy about this.” Or, “I don’t like that.” If you don’t like something that he does, then let him know. Or if you do like something that he does, again, let him know.
With truth comes vulnerability, and with truth, there’s always going to be some sort of reaction.
So, we have to start embracing it in order to be able to get progress, and also if we want to have truth mirrored back to us.
9. Be open to adventure.
Now, the way that the male brain is wired, which is really fascinating, is that men are actually wired to be able to seek out adventure, to conquer, to be able to go into the wild, is why a lot of men are actually more drawn to the ocean than females because there’s this wildness, there’s this unclaimed territory, there’s this openness about it. So men love adventure.
Now, it doesn’t mean that you have to go and backpack with him around the world or do things that you aren’t comfortable with, but it’s more about the spirit of spontaneity and the spirit of willing to support him in his adventure as well, and get out of that familiarity and out of that rut.
Now, if you are a mother for example, or you’re someone where you’ve got a household to look after, you’ve got a business to look after, you might think, “I don’t have time for lots of adventures.”
Don’t necessarily think that having adventures means that you have to do something grand or something big. It might be just again, adding some spontaneity in, or supporting him in his idea of what an adventure could be, and then finding that halfway point so that you can both benefit from it.
And lastly, you ladies, for what men wish that women would do more of. And it is this,
10. Men wish that women would stop allowing emotion to drive every single conversation.
And I have spoken about this in one of my blogs, when I said it’s important to not keep reacting emotionally when you are at a heightened state, but instead use your emotional intelligence and take time to actually respond so that you can have a clear and proper conversation.
I think it just goes to show that men are really craving to have real deep, lasting connections with us, but they’re also sending out almost a cry to us that they want us to step up a little bit.
And again, ladies, this isn’t about he said, she said, and men need to do this, and women need to do this, we both have different roles to play and the whole idea behind this blog is to be able to understand if you want to know what it is that men desire, and if you want him to feel fulfilled so that he can then give even more to your relationship, you’ve got to understand how he works, and you’ve got to understand what your role is in the relationship.
Now, I do want to finish this blog with one little thing.
When I did this survey, I actually had a really interesting response.
And I wanted to read this response out to you because I believe that it is something that is very well put, and it might even be a little bit of an eyeopener for you women out there.
So my question to them was, “What is it that you want women to do more of?”
And this is what he said,
“The opposite of a sitcom actress, sitcoms portray the man as a bumbling idiot that doesn’t get anything right. The woman emasculates and demoralizes her husband, she holds sex as a ransom to get something else and children as pawns in creating division and sarcasm and cynicism are a badge of honor.
Yes, this is just a TV show, but this is a major influence on women and men. Generally speaking, sitcom relationships have become the norm.
Relationships would be stronger and happier if women understood that men are not dumb, simple creatures to be housebroken.
When that happens, you kill everything you were attracted to and then get mad because its the man that you fell in love with. So what can a woman do more of? Be loving and supportive when things are going well. Remind us of how strong we are when we’re down.
Your support and encouragement mean more than you can imagine. Don’t tell us what to do, but clearly lovingly guide us to what you want, because we want to serve you and make you happy at any cost when we are aligned.
Let us be men in all of our masculine perfect imperfection. We must be testosterone-filled idiots at times and acts like these teenage boys when we are with our buddies.
These are our outlets of pent up frustration from the stresses of the work and the world. This will make us better men for you. Be sexual and sensual.
Men need the physical release and the emotional balancing of sex and making love. Without it, a storm will eventually rage within us. We want sex, but we also want the emotional connection to calm the war in our minds.
We don’t want to beg for sex, we want there to be a mutual attraction that ranges from tearing off your clothes and break the furniture wild sex, to gentle, sensual making love.
Women don’t realize how important this is to a man. You are our best friend.
Friends are fun, let’s laugh together, go on adventures together, grow together, and help each other forget the problems of the world.”
So there you go, ladies.
This is just a snippet of what was said to me when I asked what men want women to do more of. And as you can see, it is very sincere, it is very achievable and obviously it is something that is going to benefit the relationship for both of you.